29 Days of Hyper-feminism
Last week I sat down with Jon Caldara for an interview segment on his Friday night television show, The Devil’s Advocate. I was invited on to mostly talk about writing fiction from a Coloradan’s perspective. However, with no objections from me, most of our conversation ended up being about a somewhat infamous Twitter parody account I created back in 2014, less than a month before that year’s midterm election.
I wasn’t particularly surprised by the change in plans. Jon, after all, is a prominent political-media figure in Colorado, and as I found out over those few weeks during the election, several such people were following my social media escapades. This included national commentators and high-ranking politicians who were oddly interested in what super-feminist icon, Mark Uterus, was going to type next.
Mark… who? you might be asking. Let me set the scene…
One of Colorado’s U.S. Senate seats was up for grabs in 2014, with Republican congressman Cory Gardner challenging Democratic incumbent Mark Udall. Though Colorado has long been considered a swing-state, it had been trending blue, on a statewide level, for some time. We had given our electoral votes to Barack Obama twice, and elected Democrat Michael Bennet as our other U.S. Senator in 2010. Gardner was an underdog, and the polls reflected as much.
Udall’s campaign strategy was interesting, but it wasn’t particularly surprising. We Coloradans had seen it play out four years earlier when Bennet defeated his Republican opponent, Ken Buck. Back then, Democratic insiders referred to it as the “Colorado model.” It later translated into the national strategy for the Democrats, commonly known as “The War on Women.” The idea was to win over the increasingly important woman vote by portraying male Republican candidates as misogynistic extremists intent on banning women’s contraceptives:
It had worked on Buck, and the Udall camp was sure they could make it work on Gardner. So sure, in fact, that Udall demonstrated an unwillingness to campaign on pretty much anything else. Whenever he was in front of a microphone, all Udall talked about were Colorado women being under assault by politicians like Gardner, and how their advancement in society would be set back decades if Gardner was elected. It came across as an increasingly creepy case of tunnel-vision, and it got to the point where Udall’s campaign ads (overflowing with gynecological language and imagery) resembled more of a Saturday Night Live parody than a serious politician’s attempt to make a case for his re-election.
It got so ridiculous that on October 7th, a moderator at a live, televised debate qualified a question to Udall with this remark: “Mr. Udall, your campaign has been so focused on women’s issues that you’ve been dubbed ‘Mark Uterus’…”
I happened to be logged in to Twitter at the time, where I watched the #copolitics hashtag explode over the nickname. The jokes were everywhere, and when I saw someone call for a “Mark Uterus” parody account, I suddenly found myself creating one.
@MarkUterus was born.
It began with a single tweet:
I heard that @CoryGardner ran over a ladybug on his bike ride today. #WarOnWomen #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 8, 2014
Parody was by no means my forte, but before long I was on a bit of a roll.
She was my favorite cast member on the A-Team. I bet @CoryGardner didn't like her. You know, because he hates women. pic.twitter.com/3ZHP4CGtK1
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 8, 2014
If @CoryGardner was on the Titanic, he would have pushed Kate Winslet aside and taken the floating headboard for himself. #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 8, 2014
I have it on good authority that @CoryGardner has never watched the @Lifetime Network. #InsensitiveJerk #WarOnWomen #copolitics.
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 8, 2014
I went to bed that night without a plan to do much more with the account, but when I logged in the next morning, I was surprised to find that I had a couple hundred followers. It turned out that Twitchy ran a piece on the account, and granted it a fair amount of attention. A day or two later, Bloomberg and CNN picked up on it too, and many more followers arrived. A representative from CNN even contacted me for an interview, explaining that both the Gardner and Udall campaigns were keeping an eye on the account.
The unexpected interest pressured me to keep the jokes rolling (in 140 characters or less), so that’s what I did. I added references to another shameless tactic that Udall had just started employing: the notion that Cory Gardner was insensitive to the victims of the devastating Colorado floods from a year earlier.
When Colorado flood victims needed his help, I'm pretty sure @CoryGardner was trying to steal their birth control pills. #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 8, 2014
I also tossed in some of the big national and international stories at the time, including the Keystone Pipeline and the Ebola virus.
I oppose Keystone because the jobs it creates will mostly go to men. That's sexist, and it won't happen on my watch. #WarOnWomen #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 8, 2014
What's worse: Ebola or @CoryGardner? I'll give you a hint: Ebola's not trying to steal your birth control pills. #WarOnWomen #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 9, 2014
But I never lost sight of the poll-tested narrative that Udall had fully committed to: Cory Gardner being a masochistic scoundrel who, at every opportunity, worked on ways to devalue women. Mark, on the other hand, would be their savior and consummate appreciator.
Did you know that @CoryGardner's favorite castaway on Gilligan's Island was the Skipper? Why not Ginger, Mary Ann… or Lovey? #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 8, 2014
When dancing, I always let the woman lead. Doing otherwise would be sexist, and too extreme for Colorado. #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 8, 2014
She-ra > He-man. @CoryGardner disagrees… because he's too extreme for Colorado. #copolitics pic.twitter.com/ZJTux3fvw1
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 8, 2014
Rep. @CoreyGardner didn't care one bit about Ross and Rachel's relationship. I did, and I was on Team Rachel when they split. #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 8, 2014
Rep. @CoryGardner is the guy who stood you up at prom. I'm the reliable friend whose shoulder you cried on. #WarOnWomen #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 8, 2014
I own every one of @maroon5's albums. @CoryGardner does not. He just doesn't understand women. #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 9, 2014
Rep. @CoryGardner never went through a Christian Slater phase in high school. I did, because I understand and appreciate women. #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 9, 2014
If @CoryGardner had been a congressman in the 1980's, he would have made sure Cyndi Lauper never had any fun. Because he hates women. #cosen
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 9, 2014
If @CoryGardner had his way, Jo-Ann Fabric would be called Jo Fabric. And they wouldn't sell fabric… or hire women. #cosen #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 10, 2014
It took 4 tries before a Karate Kid movie was FINALLY made with a female lead. @CoryGardner would have stuck with @ralphmacchio. #cosen
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 10, 2014
Did you know @CoryGardner opposes daylight savings? He wants women to get up earlier to make breakfast for their unappreciative husbands.
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 10, 2014
George Jetson got top-billing over both his daughter Judy and Jane his wife. Unacceptable. I bet that's the #future @CoryGardner wants.
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 10, 2014
I about died when I heard George Will reference the name “Mark Uterus” on Fox News, and when it turned up in a Washington Post piece. I challenged myself to come up with new material, which thankfully Senator Udall’s social media accounts helped provide. His campaign would often post photos from Udall’s history with Colorado, and also his stops on the campaign trail. They were always fun to lampoon with some altered context:
This morning, I'd like to offer you a quick representation of the human reproductive process. It's because I care… pic.twitter.com/kYUnpU7sFm
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 10, 2014
#ThrowbackThursday 1976. My friends and I thought it'd be fun to dress up like pier-side extras from the movie Jaws. pic.twitter.com/8ByvSGoABJ
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 9, 2014
OH. Well hello there, ladies of Colorado. It's great to see you… #cosen #copolitics pic.twitter.com/30YcoH4GKL
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 10, 2014
Were you running low on birth control pills? Because I'll phone in the prescription for you right now if you like. pic.twitter.com/qzLDzRSRMo
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 21, 2014
Look at this ass, ladies. From yrs of mountain climbing. You don't want to be deprived of this for the next 6 yrs. pic.twitter.com/78IaqfaOMn
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) November 3, 2014
On October 10th, I noticed that I picked up several new followers who worked at The Denver Post. I didn’t understand the timing of it until later that day, when the left-leaning statewide paper unexpectedly endorsed Cory Gardner for the U.S. Senate (citing Udall’s one-issue campaign as a factor in their decision). Though I’m certain their choice had little to do with my account, I do think these folks wanted to see how Mark Uterus would react to the perceived betrayal.
I feel like I gave them a good show.
WHAT THE %*&$@#! This is an outrage!!!
MT @denverpost: The Denver Post editorial board has endorsed Cory Gardner for U.S. Senate.— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 10, 2014
Misogynistic hacks! I demand an explanation! MT @denverpost: Denver Post editorial board has endorsed @CoryGardner for U.S. Senate.
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 10, 2014
Knock knock
Who's there?
The @denverpost hates women!!! #cosen #copolitics— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 10, 2014
Just cancelled my subscription to the @denverpost. It's been taken over by right-wing #TeaParty extremists!!!
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 10, 2014
Breathe in. Breathe out. Pull it together, Mark. The women need you… #cosen #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 10, 2014
Turn around… Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round… @denverpost!!! I hate you!!! #cosen #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 10, 2014
Other notable Colorado papers ended up endorsing Gardner as well, but Senator Uterus vowed to carry on:
Stay calm, loyal supporters. This @denverpost thing is just a setback. I'm going to focus more on women's issues and get us back on track.
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 10, 2014
And who needed newspapers when some heavy political hitters were available to even the score? Former Senator Gary Hart, for example offered Udall his endorsement.
Honored to accept the endorsement of former Sen. Gary Hart. Here he is with his daughter (I think) a few years ago. pic.twitter.com/dF7ar6C8Hu
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 16, 2014
So did Senator Elizabeth Warren.
With @SenWarren today! I wish I could go back in time and provide her Native American ancestors with contraception. pic.twitter.com/pwdF1cxecz
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 17, 2014
Was told by @SenWarren that I reminded her of her Native American grandfather. His name was Spreading Bull. #cosen pic.twitter.com/Tt0DFv91aD
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 17, 2014
Also, Al Gore.
Excited to have @algore join me to talk about climate change. He should be on-time too, since he's flying private. #cosen #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 21, 2014
And then Bubba himself, former president Bill Clinton.
Excited to have @billclinton supporting my campaign. He cares about CO women as much as I do. Just… in a different way. #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 27, 2014
Stop saying my policies don't help women find jobs! My campaign's hired several women, in fact, specifically for @billclinton's visit.
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 27, 2014
With enough endorsements and enough unwitting condescension, things were still looking up for the senator.
If you elect me, I'll find real jobs for stay-at-home moms, so they too can contribute to society. #cosen #copolitics.
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 11, 2014
For those of you criticizing me for not running on any above-the-waist issues, I'll remind you that birth control pills are taken orally.
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 14, 2014
To deal w/ the labor-force participation rate, I'm prepared to participate in as many women's labors as it takes. #copolitics #cosen
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 18, 2014
And it of course didn’t hurt that Cory Gardner was a woman hating monster.
Rep. @CoryGardner is currently sponsoring a bill that would replace Mother's Day with a second Father's Day. Why does he hate women so much?
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 12, 2014
Rep. @CoryGardner's the kind of guy who would pick you up for a date by honking his horn in your driveway. He's too extreme for Colorado.
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 13, 2014
Think of @CoryGardner as the old guy from Footloose who wouldn't let the kids dance. Then replace dancing with birth control pills. #cosen
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 15, 2014
If @CoryGardner had his way, Wonder Woman would have to sit at the back of her invisible jet. #copolitics #cosen.
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 19, 2014
First @CoryGardner came for your birth control pills. Then he came for you condoms. Foreplay will be in his cross-hairs next. #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 29, 2014
BREAKING NEWS: Photo of @CoryGardner being hauled away by police for stealing woman's b.c. pills! pic.twitter.com/4n4AQFB1Z0 #cosen #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 31, 2014
Even as the polls began to slowly shift in Gardner’s favor, Mark Uterus remained optimistic by championing his campaign workers.
Meet Susan White, our campaign volunteer of the week. It was a rough week for us all but we appreciate her fine work. pic.twitter.com/XJQMVMJugK
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 12, 2014
Meet Ruth Ryan, our volunteer of the week. She's involved w/ collecting polling data to see how our campaign's doing. pic.twitter.com/PdcvSzLCIl
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 15, 2014
Here are some of my campaign volunteers sporting new Udall2014 headgear while working on ground-game strategy. #cosen pic.twitter.com/S4X3YEMeSp
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) October 20, 2014
One more day. The momentum is on our side, according to a poll my campaign staff took of my campaign staff this morning. #cosen #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) November 3, 2014
On the night of the election, Senator Uterus was still feeling pretty confident.
It's mornings like this that I gaze outside at the beautiful mountains, and think about how lucky Colorado women are to have me. #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) November 4, 2014
But the early returns were not looking good.
WTF ladies? Did your husbands intercept your ballots somehow??? #cosen copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) November 5, 2014
SON OF A BITCH!!!
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) November 5, 2014
Then, the unthinkable happened. The race was called for Gardner.
God, I hate Colorado. #cosen #copolitics
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) November 5, 2014
Colorado is screwed. Have fun living in @CoryGardner's post-contraception apocalypse. #copolitics #cosen
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) November 5, 2014
Who will save your contraception now? Who?
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) November 5, 2014
CO women,
Who will light the darkness?
Who will hold your hand?
Who will find you the answer
When you don't understand?#copolitics #cosen— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) November 5, 2014
When I'm back on my feet again.
I'll walk proud down that street again.
And they'll all look at me again.
And they'll see that I'm strong.— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) November 5, 2014
Later that night, I came clean about who I was and why I had started the account in the first place. Lots of people expressed their appreciation not only for the entertainment, but also for keeping the spotlight on the absurdity of Udall’s campaign. As Jon Caldara said during our discussion, Mark Uterus seemed to be a game-changer in the election — not specifically or exclusively my social media silliness, but the theme itself. It stuck to Udall’s campaign in a big way, and the senator wasn’t able to shake it. It cost him an election that he was heavily favored to win, and it effectively killed the War on Women political strategy here in Colorado.
To my surprise, the experience also got me invited onto a number of radio programs and other public forums. I even formed some good friendships out of it. To this day, there are politically connected individuals (some whose names you’d likely recognize) who refer to me as “Senator Uterus.”
Even Senator Gardner himself expressed his amusement in the account when I introduced myself to him at the GOP State Assembly in 2016. Imagine my surprise when he told me he had been reading my feed that very morning, as I (as Mark Uterus) had been heckling the assembly:
Notice how no one will let that woman on the right into the line. @CoryGardner's America. #copolitics pic.twitter.com/p6LN6EHfmU
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) April 9, 2016
Look who I just spotted at the CO GOP Convention: undeserving senator @CoryGardner and some other jerk. #copolitics pic.twitter.com/V8uTJMJ7hF
— Mark Uterus (@MarkUterus) April 9, 2016
The Mark Uterus account has been in semi-retirement since election night of 2014. I log back in every once in a while just to heckle friends or to comment on a particularly silly political narrative that’s making the rounds. What’s surprising is how often I’m still asked about it. It’s been over four years, and the persona is still remembered and, for whatever reason, still strikes a chord with people.
I guess I’m cool with that. I of course never imagined this would become part of my legacy, but I wouldn’t trade away the fun I had with it at the time, nor the friendships I made.
— Uterus out. xoxoxo